搞笑图文：他现在是本校校花

天下尘封

（1）我们一家三口去餐厅吃饭，吃完饭老公一摸口袋，坏笑着说忘带钱了。我说那把你压这里吧，老公说老板不要我啊！我说那把我压这里吧，老公说那可不行！！旁边的4岁闺女委屈的说，“看样子，你俩是觉得把我压这里 最合适对吧。。。”

（大哥我劝你还跑吧！）

（2）同桌是这个世界上最了解你的人了。他看着你上课玩手机，看着你考试作弊，看着你吃东西弄得满嘴油，看着你对着镜子挤痘痘，看着你伤心的时候偷偷哭，看着你悄悄写给别人的纸条，然而他还是一直坐在你的身边。所以，如果还能再见到他的话，找个机会，干掉他吧。他知道的太多了！

（有点辣眼1）

（3）公司里来了两个女生面试，一个长发细腿人美波大，另一个身材相貌都很平庸。大家都打赌老总肯定会录取第一个，没想到老总却录取了后者。众人纳闷不已，只见老总说道：我就是要让那些漂亮的人知道，在这个社会立足光靠长相是根本没用的！台下掌声雷动，三个月后那个没被录取的女人成了我们的老板娘。

（前面的是小花？哎呦。。。我去。。）

（4）昨天去好哥们家里做客，一进门就看见他的几个孩子在房间里奔来跑去吵吵嚷嚷个不停。他看了看我，若有所思地说：“兄弟，你可千万别要孩子。”我微微一笑：“因为太辛苦么？”他摇摇头：“不，因为你太丑了。”

（传说中的摸头杀？）

（5）公园里，我观察她很久了，她一个人默默坐在那里兀自喝着啤酒，眼睛红红的好像有心事的样子。一瞬间各种疑问在我脑海一闪而过，关于这个谜一样的漂亮女人。眼看她将长凳上第三罐啤酒饮尽，环顾四周还有不少搭讪者伺机而动，不能再犹豫了。我鼓足勇气抢先凑上前，关切地问她:”姑娘，你这罐子还要吗？”

（看动作以为是个王者，谁知道是个青铜！）

（6）发小溜大街，看到一个靓妹，那妹子一边走路，一边玩手机，那货连忙冲过去，抱起妹子就跑，跑出10米多远，把一脸懵哔的妹子放下来，指着后面广告牌，严肃的跟妹子说:“那牌子随时都会砸下来，下次走路不要玩手机了，多危险啊！”现在他们俩，孩子都两岁了，牌子还搁那稳稳当当得挂着…

（点外卖没给饭盒？难不倒我的）

（7）今天被我那五岁的表妹给涮了一把！她攥紧双手对我说：“哥哥，你猜猜我手里有几个开心果，如果你猜对了，两个都给你。”我对她轻蔑的笑了笑，说：“两个。”她听完松开双手大声的喊道：“错啦，是一个！”我当场内牛满面啊！

（猫：我看你滚到什么时候？）

（8）现在骗子的骗术越来越高明了。就在几分钟前有个陌生电话打给我，开头就问：我是谁啊？卧槽，经典的电话骗术开头！我就回：你是谁？骗子：我是谁你听不出来？我回：你到底是谁！骗子：XX，我是你大伯啊，你听不出来？这是我新电话你记一下…我：SB滚吧，还想骗人，就你这智商还是回家喝奶吧！…大家一定要提防这种骗子。咦？我爸的电话打来了

（这是上朝要迟到吗？这么急！）

（9）本人有个二货女友唐某某。我：你告诉我你妈姓什么，我就知道你爸姓什么！ 女友说我妈姓陈，然后我掐指算状严肃说：你爸姓唐对不对？ 女友顿时觉得好神奇啊，还问我是怎么知道的。

（兄弟你这智商可以告别开车了）

（10）有一天，某大学校长打电话给某家长：“先生，我有一个好消息和一个坏消息，都是关于您儿子的。”家长：“校长，先说坏消息吧！ ”校长：“坏消息是，您儿子的动作非常女性化。”家长：“那好消息呢？”校长：“好消息是他现在是本校校花！ ”

喜欢段子的朋友关注一下吧！

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